The Hillary Clinton Jokes Website

The US Postal Service had to recall a stamp they created with a picture of Hillary Clinton because sent using the stamp wasn’t being delivered. A special Postal Service Investigation team was formed and after several months and many tax dollars spent, they issued the following findings:
• The stamp was manufactured properly.
• There was nothing wrong with the adhesive.
• People were just spitting on the wrong side.

Hillary Clinton decided to try to win the support of a tribe of Native Americans by speaking at a rally on their Reservation. “I promise to provide better educational opportunities for Native Americans,” Hillary exclaimed. The crowd chanted, “Hoyya!” Hillary proclaimed that, “I promise to allow more casinos to be built!” The crowd now loudly shouted, “Hoyya!” After her speech, Hillary toured the Reservation and saw a huge herd of cattle. Since she had once made a fortune in cattle future she decided to ask the Chief if she could get closer and take a look at an actual cow. “Sure,” the Chief said, “But be careful not to step in any of the Hoyya.”

Q. What do you get when you ask Hillary Clinton to tell “the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth”?

A. Three different answers.

A working man was at a Hillary Clinton campaign speech, heckling her as she delivered her long, boring speech. Finally Hillary had enough and said to the heckler, “Would you like to stand up and tell the audience what you have ever done for the good of the country?” “Well, Hillary,” the man announced in a firm voice. “I voted against you in the last election.”

The good news about Hillary Clinton's nationalized health care plan is that everyone will be covered. The bad news is that it will be with dirt.

Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani should have been running mates. After all, both of them are power hungry and both of them have had serious marital problems. But the problem is that only Rudy looks good in a skirt.

Hillary Clinton is very concerned with the threat of global warming. She’s afraid of melting.

Hillary Clinton dreams of being sworn in as President using her own special family Bible. It only has six commandments in it.

Hillary Clinton is pushing for ex-felons to be allowed to vote. That way her former business partners will be able to vote for her.

Hillary Clinton and John Edwards disagreed about the economy in their debates. And offstage they argued about which one had the prettiest hair.

There has been a cold front moving across the country during Hillary Clintons presidential campaign. It was coinciding with her campaign stops.

Hillary Clinton’s campaign song was by Celine Dion. It was about a fat chick on a sinking ship.

Hillary Clinton is really no different than the other candidates. She puts her pants on one leg at a time just like other guys do.

Hillary Clinton won’t commission a Presidential portrait if she’s elected. She’ll commission an ice sculpture instead.

Hillary Clinton used to dream of being an Olympic athlete but she couldn’t run very fast. Then she wanted to be an astronaut but she couldn’t fit in the spacesuit. Now she wants to be President because she isn’t qualified to do anything else.

Hillary Clinton looks forward to her appearances on “The View.” She likes not being the worst looking woman in the room for a change.

Hillary Clinton’s memoirs of her years in the White House years are surprisingly lengthy if you consider that Hillary claimed that she didn’t know what was going on there.

Ronald Reagan’s Secret Service code name was “Rawhide.” Hillary Clinton’s Secret Service code name is, “She’s coming. Hide!”

Hillary Clinton posed for campaign photos with an elementary school class. One little boy raised his hand and Hillary asked him his name. “Kenneth,” he replied. “What’s your question, Kenneth?” Hillary asked. Kenneth replied, “Would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?” Just then the bell rang and Hillary told the students that they would continue after recess. When they got back, Hillary asked, “Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right.... question time. Who has a question?” A little girl raised her hand. “And what is your question?” continued the Senator. “I have two questions,” the little girl answered, “Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And what happened to Kenneth?”

Many years in the future, an old man wearing a VFW hat walked up to the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton.” The Marine replied, “Sir, President Hillary Clinton was impeached and sent to prison. She doesn’t here anymore.” The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away. The following day, the very same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with Hillary Clinton.” The Marine once again told the veteran, respectfully, “Sir, as I said yesterday, Hillary Clinton is in prison and doesn’t live here anymore.” The man thanked him and again walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying “I would like to go in and meet with Hillary Clinton.” The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Hillary Clinton. I’ve told you already that she has been sent to prison. She’s never coming back. Don’t you understand?” The old veteran answered him, “Oh, I understand perfectly. It just makes me so happy to hear it.” The Marine snapped to attention, saluted and said, “Sir, see you tomorrow, Sir!”

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. (Remember, this is fiction.) As Hillary stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. Hillary asked him, “What are all those clocks for?” Saint Peter answered her, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”  “Oh,” said Hillary, “whose clock is that?” Saint Peter answered, “That’s George Washington’s clock. The hands never moved.” “Where's my clock?” Hillary asked. Saint Peter replied, “Your clock is in God’s office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.” 

A man was stopped in traffic just outside the Lincoln Tunnel, so he asked a passerby what the problem up was. He was told that some terrorists had captured Hillary Clinton and were threatening to douse her with gasoline and set her on fire if they didn't get a million dollars. He asked how much has been collected so far and was told, “About fifty gallons.”

Q. How will Hillary Clinton create new jobs?

A. She’ll provide plenty of work for comedians. And tax collectors.

Hillary Clinton was at the beauty shop for six hours. And that was just for an estimate.

On her Listening Tour, Hillary Clinton learned that a local sandwich shop in a town she was visiting had named a sandwich after her. She visited the shop and asked what was in her sandwich. “Mostly baloney,” said the proprietor.

Q. Why is Hillary Clinton studying to be a ventriloquist?

A. So she can lie without moving her lips.

Q. Which side of the bed does Hillary Clinton sleep on?

A. First she lies on one side and then she lies on the other side.

Five thousand years ago, Moses said, “Pick up your shovel, mount your ass and I'll lead you to the Promised Land.” Today, Hillary Clinton will tax your shovel, sell your camel, kick your ass and tell you there is no promised land.

Hillary Clinton got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

Q. What do you call it when Hillary Clinton swears to tell the truth?

A.  Lying.

A socialist, a communist and a politician walked into a bar and asked for a drink. The bartender looked up and said: “Hello, Hillary.”

Q: What do you have when Hillary Clinton is at the beach buried up to her neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

Hillary Clinton is trying to sell us on her no-frills nationalized medical care plan. The trouble with it is that it makes medical care a frill.

Hillary Clinton’s new campaign slogan: “I’ve got what it takes to take what you've got!”

Here is a tough question: If you came across Hillary Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing her or of getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed should you use?

The problem with a Hillary Clinton run Social Security trust fund is that there would soon be a lack of trust and a lack of funds.